


MÉNAGE-À-TROIS AT HOGWARTS

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Multi, Parody, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-15
Updated: 2010-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-30 12:04:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10162673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: This could be a script for a cosplay fan video or similar, but since I haven't made something out of it I thought I'd just upload it here.This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Snape and Harry enter from each side of the stage.  
Snape: Potter! What are you doing, sneaking around Hogwarts at night?  
Harry: Nothing, professor Snape!  
Snape: Is that your wand you have in your pocket, Mr Potter, or are you just happy to see me?  
Harry does indeed have his wand in his pocket, turns his back to the audience to get it out.  
Snape: WHAT do you think you are you doing, Potter?  
Harry: I’m just trying to get up my wand, sir!  
Snape: That’s ten points from Gryffindor for foul language!  
Harry: But sir, I just -!  
Harry turns around with his wand in his hand.  
Snape: Quiet! That’s ten more points for talking back to me.  
Harry: That’s not fair!  
Snape: Enough!  
Snape grabs Harry by the neck, drags him to a chair, puts him over his knee and spanks him with his wand. The chair placed facing left, so that Snape can spank him with his right hand while Harry shows each hit on his face.  
Lucius (walking in on them): Severus! What are you doing with Harry Potter?  
Snape: What does it look like, Lucius?  
Lucius: But I thought my son was head boy!  
Snape: Draco is still HEAD boy…  
Lucius: Oh. Very well, then.  
Lucius watches with interest as Snape finishes the spanking. Snape pushes Harry off his lap, from the audience, and gets up. Harry rubs his bottom and grimaces, goes to hide from Lucius behind Snape’s back.  
Snape: What do you want, Malfoy?  
Lucius: Is that your wand you have in your pocket, Severus, or are you just happy to see me?  
Snape: No…  
Snape shows his wand, which was obviously not in his pocket. Lucius shows the pimp cane, triumphantly. Snape obviously doesn’t measure up. Annoyed, he turns around to find Harry, who’s behind him, and slaps him over the head with his left hand, the right being occupied by the wand.  
Harry: He’s cheating! That’s not really his wand!  
Snape: I think for once you’re right, Mr Potter. Take out your wand, Malfoy!  
Lucius: As you please, Severus…  
Lucius smirks and produces his wand, which doesn’t measure up to Snape’s without the pimp cane.  
Snape: Well, well, who’s cocky now, hm, Lucius…?  
Lucius (threatening him): At least mine works!  
Lucius raises his wand at Snape, who backs off into duelling position. Snape is the first to cast a spell, but nothing happens and he shakes his wand like a broken remote. Lucius laughs. Snape grabs at Lucius’ hair à la catfight instead.  
Lucius: Not the hair! Do you have any IDEA how difficult it is to get it this blond?  
Severus: What are you using, Fairy Potion?  
Lucius: Yes! But my stock of hairs from a unicorn tail is running low, and I’m getting completely ripped off on angel’s tears in Diagon Alley, the prices are getting higher every day!   
Harry (who has curiously approached as Snape got the upper hand over Lucius): Umm, Mr Malfoy, there’s something called peroxide…  
Lucius: A MUGGLE concoction, no doubt? Never!  
Severus: Why don’t you try donkey hair instead of unicorn…  
Lucius: (Who has put his wand back into the cane while discussing his hair, or does so now to get his right hand free.) I’m going to scratch your eyes out!  
Lucius approaches Snape, but instead of attacking him he kisses him, either up against a wall or bent down as in a tango, if the cane and wand allows for such gymnastics. Harry watches, aghast.  
Lucius (raising his head from the smooching): Potter! Why are you still here?  
Harry: But… but… it’s not right! Haven’t you read the fan fiction? I’m supposed to be with professor Snape!  
Snape: You heard Lucius Malfoy, you insolent little brat. Get lost or it’s ten… billion… points from Gryffindor.  
Harry gets lost, upset on the verge of tears.   
Lucius: Oh Severus! You can be so commanding!  
Snape: How would you like it if I commanded YOU…?  
More smooching, now with Snape as the aggressor, which is interrupted by phone call.  
Lucius: Just a moment, Severus love, I have to get this, it’s Voldemort! (on the phone) Voldy, darling! Mm-hm? Tonight? But you see, I’m a little busy at the moment… You want to do WHAT with the pimp cane? I’ll be right over! Kiss kiss. (hangs up) Terribly sorry about that, Severus, got to run! Catch up with you another day, okay? You deliciously grumpy old potions master! (Pinches his cheek) Toodeloo!  
Snape (alone): Oh, bugger. Potter! Detention! Now!  
Snape goes looking for Harry.


End file.
